Life as we know it..

I started this blog originally as a way to release my thoughts and attempt to show the life I lived in New York and the exciting adventures that it took me on. Well, the truth is that my adventures are no longer as exciting as before, what has been different are my experiences especially since being home.

DISCLAIMER: Not writing for pity, trying to get my thoughts out so I don't lose it.

The holidays are never easy, it is coming up on 5 years since my mom passed away from a long battle of cancer. I thought that I was doing well, that his was the first year since she passed that I have not spiraled out of control trying to escape dealing with my emotion, involving myself in numerous activities to distract me, working so much that I was to tired to deal with life. I did anything to get through the holidays without even trying to remember the fact of what happened. Then today I find out, that my 21 year old cousin died in his sleep last night, four years younger then me died in his sleep. This is just another slap in the face around the holidays, about what happened in the past and made it more of a reality again.

The truth being, that I have lost a father and a mother, orphaned in a sense and thankfully I have my siblings, who are also some of my best friends to encourage me. I would not have made it this far in life, or even wanted to, if I did not have them. I am tired, tired of fighting just to make it. There are still so many dreams I have about the future, but sometimes the day to day seems to constantly fire ammo at you so that you wont make it to where you want to be. When they say that you have to fight to live, it is true. It is easy to live life unconsciously, almost asleep in a way and using things whether it be substance or material possessions or the pursuit of them to be numbed.

This year has stripped me down to the bare bones. I don't have enough money to distract myself with leisure activities I am forced to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am. This is the hardest reflection to take in. If you look in a mirror and see someone that you are proud of consider yourself lucky because I see someone that needs a lot of work. I think with all that has happened in life, I have been stunted in my emotional growth. I still am 16 in some ways, and 35 in others. I just know that when I think of my mom and all that she did in her life I want to impact others the way she did. When I pass away, I want to have 300 people at my memorial service, because that was how many I impacted. The beauty is that she was never perfect as amazing as she was, she lived life and gave as much of herself to others to impact their lives. Just by being encouraging, and telling them there are better days ahead.

I hope that one day, I can be even a spec as to what she was. She told me I had great things to do in life and I am finally starting to realize that, like all my mother said, "all I can give them is myself, I have nothing else." The last time she was in the hospital and the doctor came in and told her that she had only two months left to live, with my siblings and a couple of her best friends around, she looked at him and said, "I am not worried about myself, I am only worried about my kids." She gave every ounce of emotion to be the best she could for me, my family and anyone she came in contact with. I only hope that one day, when I see her again, that I can hug her and hear her say, "I am proud of who you have become."

I miss you mom!

I spent a good portion of my day searching the streets and markets of chinatown for the best deals on food, dumplings and of course groceries for the week since I am on a budget.

I was inspired by an article on, Time Out New York. I was reading that there were multiple little restaurants off the beaten trail so I decided to check them out.

The first stop on my journey was, Prosperity Dumpling, (46 Eldridge St.)truly the cheapest and best dumplings that I have had ever. I got 8 boiled vegetable dumplings for $2. The most expensive thing on the menu was $3. They inside is tiny and crammed with just 7 stools for sitting. The best part was a little elderly lady that sat in the corner and spoke to herself in Chinese. I was waiting for a seat, and she patted the stool once someone got up and pointed for me to sit down. 

Next I made my way on the China Town Budget food tour to Lucky King Bakery, (280 Grand St.) where I induldged in an 80 cent peanut cake. As good as it was this was not all they had. There were an assortments of sweet breads, cakes with funny cartoon looking characters all for under $2. If this wasn't a bargain, then I can't tell you what is.

The next venture on my trip through chinatown was grocery buying. I had $35 dollars cash left in my pocket to spend on groceries for the week. I went through the market and got:

1 lb. of red grapes 1.39lb

2 lbs. dry roasted peanuts 1.00 lb

5lbs. brown rice 4.75

6 apples 5 for $2

2 lbs. snap peas $1.39 lb

2 lbs. bok choy  $1.80 lb

2 lbs. green beans $1.00 lb

2 lbs. red russet potatoes $.80 lb.

for a grand total of: $20.12

Thank you China town you can grocery shop cheaply in New York.

perfect date

This entry was taken out of my journal yesterday.

May 16th, 2009

It's an amazing, no I would have to say a perfect day in New York City. It makes me think of the point in the movie, Miss Congeniality, when they ask a candidate to give an idea of her perfect date. 

Today May 16th, is the perfect date. The weather is warm, but casts a light refreshing wind, that cools the skin in the shade of the trees, but cooling you after the beating down of the sun. The sun is beginning to call it a night and slowly disappears into the horizon. I am perched on a cluster of could be prehistoric. I watch as women, men, children and couples from every background make their way around the pond in Central Park. 

There are men patiently waiting with their fishing poles, hoping that they will catch a fish, so they can take a picture of it, upload it to facebook and have people comment for the fact is, this moment could be their crowning glory. The fish would be released back into it's world just waiting to be tricked again into getting caught.

There are lampposts that beckon to the beginnings of New York City. They make me think at any moment I could step out of Narnia. This is my Narnia.  A place where Kings and Queens exist, but all the opportunity to do, be and exceed in whatever you want.

The biggest thing I have learned since I have been here is that no day is ever the same. Everyday here feels like Space Mountain at Disneyland. You know you are moving fast, but you never know if you are turning, if your going up or down, and  who you could and will meet or come in contact with. This is what makes me love everyday here. 

Today is my perfect day.

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I got a chance to go to the Conservatory Garden today and walk through a huge part of Central Park that I had yet to visit. I took some pictures with my phone. I even saw a racoon in broad daylight, it sure beats the wildlife that I have seen in recent.

   
 
 
  

my garden view

        These are a couple of pics taken on my phone from my garden apartment door. It is a little shabby but an amazing oasis from the hustle and bustle of the city.   This is what I get to see every morning, it starts the day off right!