DISCLAIMER: Not writing for pity, trying to get my thoughts out so I don't lose it.
The holidays are never easy, it is coming up on 5 years since my mom passed away from a long battle of cancer. I thought that I was doing well, that his was the first year since she passed that I have not spiraled out of control trying to escape dealing with my emotion, involving myself in numerous activities to distract me, working so much that I was to tired to deal with life. I did anything to get through the holidays without even trying to remember the fact of what happened. Then today I find out, that my 21 year old cousin died in his sleep last night, four years younger then me died in his sleep. This is just another slap in the face around the holidays, about what happened in the past and made it more of a reality again.
The truth being, that I have lost a father and a mother, orphaned in a sense and thankfully I have my siblings, who are also some of my best friends to encourage me. I would not have made it this far in life, or even wanted to, if I did not have them. I am tired, tired of fighting just to make it. There are still so many dreams I have about the future, but sometimes the day to day seems to constantly fire ammo at you so that you wont make it to where you want to be. When they say that you have to fight to live, it is true. It is easy to live life unconsciously, almost asleep in a way and using things whether it be substance or material possessions or the pursuit of them to be numbed.
This year has stripped me down to the bare bones. I don't have enough money to distract myself with leisure activities I am forced to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am. This is the hardest reflection to take in. If you look in a mirror and see someone that you are proud of consider yourself lucky because I see someone that needs a lot of work. I think with all that has happened in life, I have been stunted in my emotional growth. I still am 16 in some ways, and 35 in others. I just know that when I think of my mom and all that she did in her life I want to impact others the way she did. When I pass away, I want to have 300 people at my memorial service, because that was how many I impacted. The beauty is that she was never perfect as amazing as she was, she lived life and gave as much of herself to others to impact their lives. Just by being encouraging, and telling them there are better days ahead.
I hope that one day, I can be even a spec as to what she was. She told me I had great things to do in life and I am finally starting to realize that, like all my mother said, "all I can give them is myself, I have nothing else." The last time she was in the hospital and the doctor came in and told her that she had only two months left to live, with my siblings and a couple of her best friends around, she looked at him and said, "I am not worried about myself, I am only worried about my kids." She gave every ounce of emotion to be the best she could for me, my family and anyone she came in contact with. I only hope that one day, when I see her again, that I can hug her and hear her say, "I am proud of who you have become."
I miss you mom!
